BBB - Big Brazil Bolsonaro Part 4
By Urariano Mota
Same setting as in previous episodes.
Office with images of the White House. Flags of the United States and Brazil.
General Bozo wearing stars, a cap, and a green-and-yellow sash that reads “Homeland of the Unlimited Militia.”
Characters: General Bozo, Horse, Donkey, People dressed in animal costumes, Reporter, and Photographer.
Reporter – General… I’m sorry. Great President: Now they’re saying you ordered the Federal University of Pernambuco to be burned down.
General Bozo – Me?! These days, they say I’m behind everything good that happens.
Donkey – Isn’t that right, Mr. President?
Horse – Was it the people responsible for your victory?
General Bozo – I’m the one responsible for my votes. Well, almost—because without President Trump’s help, I’d be screwed. How was I supposed to get so many votes without dollars?
Reporter – Were there a lot of dollars involved, Mr. President?
General Bozo – Yes. But given the number of votes I got, if I were to buy them one by one, only the richest person in the world could afford it.
Reporter – How many billions of dollars? How many trillions?
General Bozo – You’re asking too much. But just know that a lot of people sell themselves cheap. Here, how much did you get paid for this interview?
Reporter – Me? My boss is the one who pays me.
General Bozo – But Trump is the one who pays your boss. If he were to pay for everything here, he’d have to stop the war in Iran.
Reporter – So, how do you explain that?
General Bozo – There are people who sell out without me paying them. Lots of poor people vote for me without me paying them.
Reporter – What do you mean, Mr. President?
General Bozo – They believe what I say. Brazil is a land of slave-minded people, you know? Every poor person thinks they’re going to become a master. And Lula goes around saying he’s for the poor… what a coward. No one wants to be poor; no one thinks of themselves as poor. So, if Lula is in favor of the poor, everyone who thinks they’re better than that will side with me. The rich vote for me—who knows, maybe one day… (Laughs heartily)
A donkey brays. A horse neighs.
Voices – How clever!
General Bozo – I’m a modest man. Not everything good was done by me.
Reporter – Is setting universities on fire a good thing?
General Bozo – Of course! But I didn’t go all the way to Recife to set the university on fire, you know?
Reporter – You didn’t go yourself. Did you send your terrorists to set it on fire?
General Bozo – Hold on a minute! Who are you?
Reporter – I’m sorry, General. Some communist virus must have gotten into my throat.
General Bozo – Ah, kill that virus or I’ll kill you. Here’s what happened: my patriots went to the university and set it on fire.
Reporter – So you sent your patriots?
General Bozo – Of course! As clear as fire in the night. Fire is beautiful. I sent them. But my patriots are free to do anything, commit any crime. They call me: “President, should we do it?” I reply: “Do it right now.” And they do.
Donkey and Horse together: - Authority is authority.
General Bozo (proudly) – I order them to kill, and they kill. I order them to set fires, and they set fires. But I’m not the one who starts the fires or pulls the trigger.
Reporter – It’s the patriots.
General Bozo – Look, actually, they’re not even my patriots. The ones who die and get burned are the ones to blame.
Reporter – Do those who die commit suicide, Mr. President?
General Bozo – Yes! The great Corporal Anselmo, who handed over Soledad—who was pregnant—to her death, has already spoken for me. And like him, I say: I’m not the one who orders the killings. It’s their lives that are to blame. They themselves are to blame. Don’t they provoke our fury? Don’t they want social equality? Then don’t complain. They are responsible for the end of their own lives.
Voices – How clever!
Reporter – But what if a complaint against you ends up in the Federal Supreme Court or the Superior Electoral Court?
General Bozo (laughs heartily) – Against me?
Voices – Is this reporter just being contrary?
General Bozo – I’ve got my cronies there. They won’t let any complaint against me move forward. (He turns around, flashing his backside.) Nothing sticks to me!
Reporter – Mr. President, what if the left-wing press exposes a “patriotic” crime—couldn’t that go too far?
General Bozo – That left-wing press isn’t Rede Globo. It isn’t *O Globo* or *Folha de São Paulo*. The big players—the ones that really matter—are on my side. And television, which shapes public opinion, is ours.
Reporter – Mr. President, every now and then, an accusation manages to make it onto television...
General Bozo – When something comes up against me, I respond by turning the accusation back on the other side. Do they accuse me of theft? I reply, “Lula is a thief!” I don’t even need to prove it; they believe it right away. Television gives my counterattack more airtime. It’s quite simple.
Reporter – You’re not afraid of anything, are you?
General Bozo – No. I’m brave.
Donkey – What a man!
General Bozo – And I’m going to teach you a lesson. I’m going to tell you something they didn’t teach you in journalism school.
Reporter – Go ahead, Mr. President. I’m all ears.
Donkey pricks up his ears – Me too.
General Bozo – Look at the jails. Look at the prisons. Who’s in there? It’s the Black people, the poor, and the destitute. (He turns his back and struts arrogantly, swinging his legs.) Nothing can touch me! I’ll never be arrested. My bloodline is elite.
Voices – How clever!
Reporter – Excuse me, Mr. President. But there are some military personnel in prison today.
General Bozo – That will end when I take office. Or maybe even before then—my ministers in the justice department are already taking action. Does the reporter know what the rule of thought is in the Army? It’s this: “Conduct a rigorous investigation and punish the soldier.” (He roars with laughter)
Voices – How clever!
General Bozo – I’m not a soldier. I’m in command. I have Trump’s strength! Brazil for the United States!
Animals roar and stamp their hooves.
Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door.
Donkey – Who’s there?
Voice – It’s the Federal Police!
General Bozo – And I lost the election? I’m going to arrest the police!
Brayings, whinnies, commotion.
(End of the play—for now)
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